By Rajini Coore
Greetings readers! It’s February so you know what that means…Love is in the air and we know you have awkward relationship questions you need answered. So, who better to give you advice than a bunch of single people with no lives? In honour of the day, Alphabet Soup would like to present the inaugural issue of our advice column, Words of Wis-Dumb, where we give funny advice for angsty teens just like you. Enjoy!
Words of Wis-Dumb, because you don’t listen to good advice anyway
Q:How do I approach a crush who’s out of my league?
A: You don’t, I’m sorry but that’s just how life goes. I mean, if you’re extraordinarily brave and unafraid of rejection, by all means, go ahead but most times this does not end well.
Q:Is starting a relationship worth sacrificing a friendship?
A: It depends, how close are you as friends and are you tiefing someone’s man? If you’re super close with the friend, it’s probably best to avoid a relationship if it’ll hurt the friendship, especially if you’re not sure the relationship won’t last. Please do not tief your bestfriend’s man/woman. That’s just rude and out of order.
Q:What do I do to get my crush’s attention?
A: Stalk their social media to find out what they like and where they like to hang out on weekends. Then, just casually show up at the same places you know they’ll be at, maybe reference their favourite band or movie or book. Pretty soon they’ll see the “shared interest” and start talking to you. I mean, that’s the best case, worst case they realize you’re stalking them and get super creeped out and never speak to you again. It’s a 50/50 chance so go for it! You could also slide in their DMs with some spicy memes.
Q:How do I know if they like me?
A: Spoiler alert, they probably don’t. But if you’re not daunted by this possibility, look for subtle body language clues, increased eye contact, changes in voice, making jokes etc. Also, if they go out of their way to hang out with you, that’s a sure sign. If you’re terrible at reading these things or just unsure, there’s always the tried and true method of “Do you like my friend…” There is another method, but it is not for the faint of heart. Just ask them straight up “Do you like me because I love you and would willingly have all your children?” Maybe not so drastic but seriously, go for it if you don’t fear rejection.
Q:Should I spend money on them for Valentine’s day?
A: That depends…how long have you been together? If it’s been six months, chocolate, a year, chocolates plus a rose or something. Anything up to two years, jewelry, more chocolate and bigger brownies. If y’all have been together since first form, memes. Trust me, they’re possibly the best Vday gift anyone could receive. Basically scale the spending according to the length of the relationship. Unless it’s been 3 or more years in which case there’s no need to impress them anymore, in which case just print some thoughtful memes you know they’ll love.
Q:How do I talk to the opposite sex without looking like a total fool?
A: Step 1: Breathe heavily. This alerts the person to your presence right behind them. Step 2: Look intensely at them after they turn around in terror to find some object on their person that you can use as a conversation starter. For instance, if they have on a The 1975 shirt, ask if they like the album “I like it when you sleep for you are so beautiful yet unaware of it” while winking suggestively. Step 3: Strike up a conversation around the object you selected in step 2 and stare intensely into their eyes as you talk to them. Step 4: Ask them their opinion on Trump. If a supporter you need not waste your time because it is completely unjustifiable to subscribe to his fascist ideals. If not, you can bond by savagely roasting that orange demon.
Q:I’m currently in sixth form and have had zero love life whatsoever. Should I wait til college or just give up and become a cat lady?
A: Why compromise, you can wait til college to become a cat lady! In all honesty though, I would say hold out til college for a relationship. You’ll probably meet a lot of new people and the mating pool will be much larger than in high school, thus improving your chances of finding a partner. Until then, focus on getting into college and maintaining your current friendships. Everything in due time.
Q:I just got through a rough breakup, what do I do to get over it?
A: Eat three cartons of ice-cream, a whole pizza and drink a gallon of coffee while watching your favourite Netflix series in the dark haven of your room. The food will drown your sorrows while the show will distract you from missing them. After you grow tired of feeling like an L, get up and get busy! Power through your homework, wash your face, get some exercise and go socialize with people. Try to avoid mentioning your ex for a while. Focus on improving yourself and being your best you! Think of this as a learning experience, and remember don’t hate your ex. It’s a waste of energy and only hurts you.
Q:I have a shrine dedicated to my crush, what’s the next step to get them to like me?
A: Follow the standard procedure as outlined in any occult text. Obtain a lock of their hair and the blood of a virgin and recite an appropriate incantation. If done right, you will have the person of your dreams, if done wrong, you will have created a bloodthirsty succubus like in Jennifer’s Body. Again, 50/50 chance so go for it!
Q:Ball is in a couple of months and I have no prospects…how do I approach the person I want to be my date?
A: Serenade them with your favourite romantic song while showering them with rose petals. Then have pizza delivered to them with the pepperoni arranged in their name with a card that says “I know this is cheesy but will you go to ball with me?” the way to almost anyone’s heart is food so this is pretty foolproof. You can also substitute the pizza with their favourite snack or dessert. If this fails, just go with a group of friends. That’s just as fun as going with a date.